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| so sorry for the delay!! |
| 04.18.04 (8:39 am) [edit] |
it's been a busy past few weeks... but i have returned, momentarily, because i'm kinda sick of tblog, think i'm gonna go back to blog*spot with this baby. or maybe one of my wonderful friends will be supernice and hook me up with a LJ code..
so i'll post the new url later.
last night was freakin' awesome. i'm so bad.. details later. going to the zoo with mary claire and family.. liking my whole wavy-hair thing i did last night... perhaps i will make a habit of it..
anywho. much ado about something later.
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| "so, how's the coitus interruptus?" |
| 03.21.04 (8:46 pm) [edit] |
much mischief-making tonight. felt momentarily bad, but at the same time, pre-marital sex is WRONG and so therefore it was totally legit of me and my darling JP to plot a little quasi-prank calling to the two lovers.
besides. when you have "abrasive harsh warty cold mechanical frog sex" a guy you've known for...what, 12 hours.. you have to expect that your friend and her boyfriend [who's somewhat friends with the guy] to have a little fun with the situation.
oddly enough, they had the same response when he called.. humm... imagine that?
teeheehee... D&N would kill me if they knew that we were plotting to sabotage their meaningless sex fest.
keep it on the d/l, boys and girls.
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| Oh, God... |
| 03.17.04 (5:11 pm) [edit] |
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I need to get out of here. I'm slowly becoming my father.
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| humm... |
| 03.17.04 (4:12 pm) [edit] |
trying to make sure... everything is okay. trying to make sure what i'm feeling isn't crazy..
but have you ever just been with someone you like... and the little touchy-feely cuddle crap you used to think was so adorable now just bothers the hell out of you?
granted... physical touch is not what i thrive on in a relationship. it used to be, but i sort of out-grew that whole "omigod i need to be reassured of the fact that he still likes me every five seconds, omigod if he doesn't hug/kiss me i'll DIE"
*shudders*
'course, it could've been the whole issue of j's friggin' dad being right there when he was trying to put the moves on me..
yea, i was sort of wondering what the hell that was all about, too.
i don't know what my deal is.. as i told devin earlier, i've sort of gotten used to the fact that there's not a definite commitment. if the subject came up, i don't even know if i'd want to go along with the idea of an actual relationship. i like how things are, except for the overly touchy-feely crap.
i don't understand how one afternoon can change my outlook on something so completely. maybe it's just another version of a "cat and luke go to a basketball game" type of thing. different people, same idea.
very possible. yet, the prospects of spring break look interesting.
memo to self: stay the fuck away from tweezers. i am not touching my eyebrows for the next couple weeks, because the natural arch is almost as forgotten as my natural hair color.
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| 03.16.04 (10:02 pm) [edit] |
i wonder why i feel
--so high--
though i'm not
above the sorrow
heavy hearted 'til
you call my name and it
sounds
like churchbells
or the whistle of a train on
a summers evening
i'll run to meet you
barefoot
barely
breathing
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| Love's divine |
| 03.13.04 (10:18 pm) [edit] |
Then the rainstorm came over me
And I felt my spirit break
I had lost all of my belief you see
And realized my mistake
But time threw a prayer to me
And all around me became still
I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name
Through the rainstorm came sanctuary
And I felt my spirit fly
I had found all of my reality
I realize what it takes
'Cause I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, loves is what I need to help me know my name
Oh I don't bend, don't break
Show me how to live and promise me you won't forsake
'Cause love can help me know my name
Well I try to say there's nothing wrong
But inside I felt me lying all alone
But the message here was plain to see
Believe me…
'Cause I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name
Oh don't bend, don't break
Show me how to live and promise me you won't forsake
'Cause love can help me know my name
Love can help me know my name.
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| Eeeeeee! |
| 03.11.04 (8:33 pm) [edit] |
Catherine loves Justin :)
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| If you say my eyes are beautiful... |
| 03.11.04 (7:47 pm) [edit] |
If you say my eyes are beautiful
It's because they're looking at you
And if you could only see yourself,
You'd feel the same way too.
You could say that I am a dreamer
Who's had a dream come true,
If you say my eyes are beautiful
It's because they're looking at you.
If you wonder why I'm smilin'
It's because I'm happy with you
And the warm sensations touch my heart
And fill me through and through,
I could hold you close forever
And never let you go
If you say my eyes are beautiful,
It's because I just love you so.
Now, my heart is an open door
Won't you come inside for more
You give love so sweetly now,
Take my love,
Take me completely now.
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| Tonight, tonight.. |
| 03.06.04 (10:51 pm) [edit] |
Seeing the good in people is usually a positive thing. Focusing on the negative can really bring a girl down, and so it's good to try and find the positive qualities in people instead.
Sometimes.. however.. I delude myself into seeing the good that's not really there. I think people have changed.... grown up... become slightly less fucking bitchy. But, alas, by the end of the night, I've realized the truth and vow to myself to never be around these people ever again.
...Until the day I think to myself, oh, they've probably changed, I'll give them another chance.
And the cycle continues. When will I learn?
Obviously I'm talking about Natalie and Shannon [the Valley Natalie and Shannon, mind you]... Wow... what a hellish night.
I should have just hung out with Juice after all, even though I'm supposed to be distancing myself from him so I can figure out what I really want. [No clue still if that's referring to gender or what.. haha...]
Anywho, no, once again I was completely ignored all night, except for the rockin' Payam who was nice enough to teach me how to play "Texas Shitfuck". S&N were so fucking obnoxious, it was like 7th grade all over again... like "Oh, Natalie, come to the bathroom with me, I have to tell you something..." and "Hey, Shannon, come here for a second" *as both whisper and look at me*. N actually said, at once point, "Shannon, come over to the corner with me, let's whisper." I wish I were joking.
Yep.. Real mature.
Lost $17 as well.. somewhere... perhaps in the Culver's parking lot? But it was my father's money, so who cares.
Thought I saw Corey at Panera tonight... was all excited, then realized it wasn't him. At all. Sadness.. oh well.
Enough whining.
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| The debate... |
| 03.05.04 (5:47 pm) [edit] |
Me taking antidepressants: a sign of weakness, or a sign of strength? Because... obviously I'm not doing too well fighting this on my own.. I'm tired of being depressed, tired of hating myself. And I need help... But, at the same time, it's sort of a matter of ego for me, like.. it's hard for me to admit that, yes, I have a problem.
I'll probably end up trying it out for a couple months anyways.. see how that works... but still, I'd like your input.
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| Sigh... |
| 03.05.04 (11:18 am) [edit] |
So... I saw Dr. P this morning... I was really, really uneasy about the entire thing; as I was driving down 8th street I had half a mind to get on the interstate and just keep driving, rather than go there, talk to That Woman [who is way, way too happy for me to deal with], and face my problems.
I didn't go into the whole dad thing too much... I didn't feel like dwelling on it that much. But I did mention it, which I suppose is good. Progress.
But... Apparently I'm depressed and have some sort of chemical imbalance in my brain, or something.
I'm starting some medication soon.. anti-depressants and whatnot. I'm not sure what I think about that, . I suppose it's good, but I really hate to think that I'm the sort of person who needs to take drugs to be "normal".
But... alas... I'm ready for this to be over.
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| Things to do this weekend: |
| 03.04.04 (2:25 pm) [edit] |
*Give a whole lotta lovin' to my baby... also known as my guitar.
*Memorize S/E music
*Write...anything... weird sleep-deprived poems, weird sleep-deprived music...anything. My fingers are...itching for it, if that makes any sense.
Let's see...
*Sleep. maybe. So long as it doesn't interfere with the bizarre muse who seems to find me late at night..
Ooh!
*Bitch to Dr. P ~my psychologist~ about life, my sadistic parents, and anything that pops into mind.
I think this weekend, I shall be ridiculously anti-social.
Don't try to find me..
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| Random funniness. |
| 03.03.04 (9:28 pm) [edit] |
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Heard: Our favorite repressed, closeted leisure suit-wearing boy, uttering the phrase, "Omigod, that's, like, so gay." And not even realizing how...odd.. that sounded.
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| 03.02.04 (9:14 pm) [edit] |
the gleeful martyr whose reflection bears
a different view
than that of oil and charcoal can depict
a stolen jewel, his love,
from the dancer's tiara
inside the music box, his silent sacrifice
for you my dear he lies:
"goodbye"
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| What if it all means something... |
| 02.28.04 (8:05 pm) [edit] |
[I need some stamps. How heavy does a letter have to be for it to need 2 stamps?]
My life is very easily a Chantal Kreviazuk song.
That's a good thing though, my mood has gone to the other side of the spectrum.. from depression and severe self-loathing, to... a strange sense of peace. i thought about something Luke said to me about, oh, a year ago... "Total acceptance means just that... accepting yourself, totally." I have this weird new outlook on life, which I'm pretty sure came forth from the joyous hope that I'm gonna start seeing Dr. P again. I just really.. am starting to like myself. I found out this morning, that my current weight is more than I've ever been in my life, and you know, even a week ago, I would've thought, "Oh, Christ, Cat, you can only eat celery for the next week".. but now it's like, "Hey!!! What's this, my boobs are getting a little bigger? I have an ass?? COOL!" Although, admittedly, I might need to send that J. Crew swimsuit back and get a medium instead of a small.. who the hell cares? I am woman, hear me roar!
Oh, hey, I think I'm in love...
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| Finally... |
| 02.26.04 (9:57 am) [edit] |
Hey, Luke... Thought you should know... I'm getting help. For... a number of things, a few you didn't even know about.
It's time... I'm ready to wake up.
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| I love you. |
| 02.24.04 (3:52 pm) [edit] |
I have a smile
stretched from ear to ear
to see you walking down the road
We meet at the lights
I stare for a while
the world around us disappears
It's just you and me
on my island of hope
a breath between us could be miles
Let me surround you
my sea to your shore
let me be the calm you seek
Oh but every time I'm close to you
there's too much I can't say
and you just walk away
And I forgot
to tell you
I love you
and the night's
too long
and cold here
without you
I grieve in my condition
for I cannot find the words to say I need you so
Oh but every time I'm close to you
there's too much I can't say
and you just walk away
And I forgot
to tell you
I love you
and the night's
too long
and cold here
without you
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| ~ |
| 02.16.04 (9:13 pm) [edit] |
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[i]O day full of grace, which we behold, Now gently to view ascending; Thou over the earth thy reign unfold, Good cheer to all mortals lending, That children of light in ev'ry climb May prove that the night is ending. How blest was that gracious midnight hour, When God in our flesh was given; Then flushed the dawn with light and pow'r, That spread o'er the darkened heaven; Then rose o'er the world that sun divine which gloom from our hearts hath driven. Yea, were ev'ry tree endowed with speech, And ev'ry leaflet singing, They never with praise God's worht could reach Though earth with praise be ringing, Who fully could praise the light of life who light to our souls is bringing. With joy we depart for the promised land, And there we shall walk in endless light.[/i]
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| shameless |
| 02.15.04 (9:14 pm) [edit] |
hydroponic eyes of blue
we twist, entangled
to the sound of cameras
and the scent of whispers
and the taste of secrets told unknowlingly
and of a fond gaze
a blown kiss,
a subtle arch of the brow
and on his golden eyelid
the promise of later lay engraved
(C) Cat Hipp, 2004. Steal it and die.
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| Tonight, tonight |
| 02.15.04 (12:55 am) [edit] |
I can't decide if tonight was one of the best nights of junior year.. or one of the worsts. It was good because I realized how much I've grown up, how much I'm not the person I was a year ago...
[Thank God...]
And, I spent a lot of the evening with some kickass people, mainly Storie, Anne and Timmy, and the beautiful and mysterious [b]Mr. S[/b]... And I shan't tell you more about him, now, wouldn't want to jinx anything, but methinks there is some serious mutual interest going on...
Anyways.. the shitty part....
No... don't even want to think about it. Too angry, too tired, too...just... generally annoyed.
Why are people idiots?
Challenge for the world: for about two minutes, pretend I'm not the girl who apparently scarred so many people for life, who was the disease that slowly ate away at whoever the hell... forget everything you've ever heard, and JUST. FUCKING. LOOK AT ME.
That means.. all of you---Luke, et al. Forget everything. I'm not who you think I am.
Last note: Eddie is a fucking cool guy. Just... wow. A good soul.
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| Hmm.. |
| 02.11.04 (3:42 pm) [edit] |
Gotta love all the mail from colleges lately... I actually got one that said "We try to emphasize other things than test scores... but...that being said, you did phenomenally well."
I was upset that I was, what, two points away from being a National Merit Finalist? And, you know, I still am pretty annoyed, because I bet if I took it again, I'd totally rock it. But it's not as if I'm grieving over those couple wrong answers.
[i]God... two friggin' points...[/i]
But, at the same time, the fact that some rockin' colleges want me totally boosts my ego.. Plus, the "Oh, God, what has happened to our innocent daughter??" look on my mother's face when I casually mentioned--jokingly--that , hell, maybe I will go to NYU.... yeah, that look was priceless.
Who knows though... I may apply.. I've been known to surprise people.
On the downside, I fear the dent in my skull is rather prominent, which sort of ruins my whole "At some point in my life, I will shave my head" plan, at risk of looking deformed.
Also... wish they hadn't had the minimum age limit on the blood drives... I would have donated, but no...
Oh well.. only 7 more months.
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| 2/10 |
| 02.10.04 (5:35 pm) [edit] |
Long ago, in someone else's lifetime, someone with my name who looked a lot like me came to know a man, and made a promise...He only had to say, and that's where she would be.
Lately...[although her feelings run just as deep] the promise she made has grown impossible to keep. And yet... I wish it wasn't so... Will he miss me if I go? In a way... it's someone else's story. I don't see myself as taking part at all.
Yesterday, a girl that I was fond of finally could see the writing on the wall. Sadly, she realized, she'd left him behind, and sadder than that she knew he wouldn't even mind... and though...there's nothing left to say, would he listen if I stay?
It's all very well to say, "you fool, it's now or never". I could be choosing no choices whatsoever... I could be in someone else's story, in someone else's life, and they could be in mine.... I don't see a reason to be lonely, I should take my chances further down the line.
And... if that girl I knew should ask my advice... oh.. I wouldn't hesitate, she needn't ask me twice. "Go now!!" I'd tell her that for free... trouble is the girl is me.... The story is, the girl.. is me..
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| starting over |
| 02.09.04 (9:30 pm) [edit] |
...beginning again.
cutting the bullshit, for good.
..i can fucking take care of myself, thanks. everything's...taken care of.
expect to be confused.
expect to think i'm crazy.
expect me not to be the exact same person i was.
expect to perhaps not like that.
...expect me not to really give a damn.
the grand facade has burnt.
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